At Peace
by MemoriesOfBetrayal
Summary: The last remaining turtle is on his death bed, recalling the deaths of his family. ONE SHOT


_Disclaimer: It's the sad truth… I don't own TMNT._

**At Peace…**

Pain racks my body in my attempt to squeeze some air into my lungs, each breath brings a new wave of heat and pain, I can't even tell where it's originating from, the pain is too much. I can't believe that I was stupid enough to throw my miserable life away, they warned me not to, but did it work? No. Nothing or no one can save me now, and although it was a waste, I'm glad. I'm glad that soon my pain will be over, both physical and emotional, I'll get to see them again, and that's all I could wish for.

I lay on the ground in a side alley, surrounded by peoples' trash, but it's alright, I don't mind, as long as I can leave soon, and that's happening slowly… too slowly. I'm trying to be quiet as to not to be discovered, but with each strangled breath emits a small gasp that's unstoppable, I can't wait for it to just be over.

I miss them so much, my brothers, I can't wait to see them again, I swear, I will never take their presence for granted _ever _again.

A sudden shot of pain shoots up my body, making me instinctively arch my back, which, consequently, makes everything hurt worse. This is the only time I can remember, that I haven't been able to fully analyze the problem. It's kinda disappointing, you only experience death once, and now I get to, and I can't make anything out of the experience.

I wish my family were here. I miss Leo's pep talks, Raph's demands, Mikey's whine, and Master Splinter's encouraging words. I miss Leo and Raph arguing, Raph or Mikey breaking something of mine and me yelling, I miss Master Splinter's calm yet dominating aura. I miss my family; I can't wait to see them again.

I have these thoughts now, yet I've never been one to really believe in the afterlife. You don't know until you experience it, and seeing how I've always been a turtle of science, it seems ridiculously preposterous. But I hope to hell that there is, and that when I reach it, I'll find my brothers and we'll be together once more. So I'm not arguing.

The pain seems worse when I'm thinking about my family, for some reason I know I'll never see them again. But, I don't want to be alone any longer.

Of course, in life there's April and Casey, but they have their own life. They have jobs, children, lives. I do wish I could see Mike and Leonard, their children, again. Their two boys were named after Mikey and Leo, who were the only deceased ones at that time, then, before they could grow to know him, Grandpa Splinter had passed.

I guess it all never really hit me, it was in less than two years that we lost half our family, and so, I guess I was in shock, and nothing helped. Master Splinter died before Mike and Leonard were one year old, but I'm sure they would have loved their grandfather.

I roll over as best as possible to cough, to relive my airway. I don't get very far before I'm coughing and spluttering blood everywhere. I've noticed that blood has a peculiar taste to it, there's no real word to describe the weird feel as it fills your mouth, or as you spit out the remains, it's almost metallic, very weird. I lay back and try to relax my spasming muscles, you always hear about the peaceful feel before death, well, if it's true, I'm nowhere near death.

I remember when we lost our leader, our big bro. I remember how Mikey and I stood frozen as Leo and Raph argued on the rooftop, it was one of our usual training runs, and of course, a usual argument. But for some reason I was shaking, I couldn't control my tremors, I couldn't wipe the feeling of dread and helplessness that swept over me in a wave, surrounding me, smothering me, strangling me. Never do any of us ever want to see Raph and Leo fight, but without the spats, they wouldn't be who they were. I had a horrible feeling about the fight, and as usual, I was right. Raph was more riled up this night, the reason why, I don't know, but Leo wasn't backing down. They were arguing, as commonly happened, about Leo's leadership, his demands, orders, and what Raph called plain bossiness. I remember exactly what was said.

"_Stop orderin' me 'round, Leo! I'm old 'nough ta look after maself!"_

"_Clearly you're not if you think I have any choice about this leadership!"_

"_So ya don't wanna be the leader, then quit!"_

"_No. Master Splinter must have had his reasons to appoint me as leader, and I think I understand!"_

"_And why, 'Oh Fearless One', were you da one picked fer this grand position?"_

"_Because, it's up to me to protect my family!"_

"_What if I don't want yer protection?"_

"_Well, too bad! You're part of this family too!"_

"_What if I don't wanna be a part a this fam'ly?"_

At the age of 23, that was the harshest thing I'd ever heard from anyone in my entire life. How could Raph not want to be a part of us? I remember vividly the look of heartbreak plastered across Leo's face, he was devastated, I remember the look of remorse and guilt on Raph's, hidden behind his hardened features, and I remember turning to find Mikey staring at me with a look of shock on his face that must have mirrored mine. Never had Raph ever been so crude, never had I ever heard anything so bad that I just wanted to cry. I knew he didn't mean it, after all it's Raph, he's always saying something he didn't mean, and this was another, but this one bugged everyone worse than the others, and no one knew why. Leo was slow to recover, and it was in a broken voice that he spoke, we could hardly hear him.

"_Then go."_

Again, we stared horrified. We'd expected Leo to fight and try to get Raph to change his mind, but the tone in Raph's voice had broken him.

"_What?! Ya don't want me? Well, too bad!"_

With each word I was shocked, Raph had changed his mind just to annoy Leo, and it was working.

"_I want you to be a part of this family Raph, but if you don't want to then you don't have to"_

"_You're tryin' ta make me leave!"_

"_No, I'm no-"_

"_Yeah you are Leo, you don't want me! Well, I don't want you…"_

Raph's voice just cut of all off Leo's attempts to get a word in, but the last words silenced him, unfortunately, Raph wasn't finished, I saw the way he glanced at me and Mikey, and I knew something bad was happening.

"…_we don't want ya!"_

Leo knew he was talking about Mike and I, but surely he would have realized it was a lie. I saw recognition, along with realization dawn on Leo's face, I knew he was remembering the stuff we'd said as kids, I remembered a few of mine. 'Leo! Why can't I? You're such a meanie!', 'but…but…but… why are you such a mean brother, I'd rather play with Raph and Mike!' and, 'You're not nice, and you're not my brother! Go away!' I was such a cruel kid, but I didn't mean a single one of them, I'd said stuff like that to all my brothers, but I guess it just stuck with Leo. I also remembered Mikey whining about his 'stuffy big bro'. And we had to stand back and watch as Leo stared at us, tears coursing down his cheeks as he took every one of Raph's words like a thousand knives to the heart, I knew I had tears in my eyes, but I held them back, Leo's heartbreak was enough.

I guess he was in shock, because he slowly backed away from us all, what he didn't realize was that he was already on the edge of the building, he disappeared over the edge with no sound. We all raced forward and peeked over the edge.

At first I saw nothing, but soon I found Leo dangling by one hand, his eyes were wide as he tried to scramble back up, I let my hand dangle near his and urged him to take hold. He stared into my face, I knew he didn't trust me, I felt the tears on my face, and Raph and Mikey's eyes on us. I reached down to try to grab hold of Leo's hand but he held tight, so I moved my eyes from his hand to his face. I froze.

The look on Leo's face was one I've never seen before, not only was there that mistrust, but fear, and, the worst of all, I recognized immediately. Surrender. He'd surrendered, and that meant he'd let go, he'd fall to his death.

"No" I mumbled, "no, no, no, no"

That just caused him to mumble something inaudible, but I knew what it was, I saw it on his face, I felt it. He was apologizing. Then, before I could even yell, he pulled his hand away from the wall, straight away plummeting down into the darkened street.

I fell away from the edge, unable to utter a sound. I barely heard Raph's classic cry of 'nooooooooooo…' and Mikey's loud, open sobs as he lay on the cold rooftop; I was the only silent one.

I turn and spit out a little bit of blood as I recall the moments after Leo's death, I don't even have enough fluids to cry, I always felt as though I could have done something, but I know it wasn't my fault, at least not completely. We couldn't even find the body when we went searching, which I'm glad, and it never made it to the news, so maybe no one found him, I hope not. We changed beyond recognition after just one death.

I hear a slight rattle sound with each breath, similar to a gurgle of sorts, but still no peace. Will it ever come? I don't know, but I don't know much of anything, except science.

We weren't there for Mikey's death, and I don't know if that was better than being there or not. Mikey was so excited about April being pregnant, but he never got to know that she was going to have twins.

I can't really be sure what happened, but Mikey was on a pizza run. He was missing for a few extra hours and we were in the city searching, but to no avail, so we returned to the lair. Raph dawdled behind me, as Master Splinter was waiting at the lair in case Mikey returned, so I arrived first and told Master Splinter the report. I then sat quietly.

It was Raph's strangled cry from outside the lair that made me jump from the chair, I raced out there to find him hugging a pile of… junk? He was covered in slime and… blood! I nearly tripped as I bounded over, and as I identified the pile, I fell to my knees. Mikey!

I could only guess, but I would say The Foot. Mike's throat was slit, deep and gory, but his right wrist was almost severed completely, huge gashes covered his entire body. I worked out that they had sent his body through the sewer water as a message, as Raph was in no condition to speak. After hours of searching, we found a secluded place where it would be safe to make a tomb-like container to place Mikey's body and a funeral service, something we could never do for Leo.

I stare out into the night sky; Master Splinter was next.

I think I saw an accident coming a fair way off, but after the loss of two brothers, I was… numb. For a while I'd tried helping Raph and Master Splinter, but when it didn't seem to help, I…forgot. I spent my time trying to take my mind off things, so in other words, I spent my time in my lab. Eating became like a chore, time with the family was awkward and uncomfortable, and insomnia became my friend. But Master Splinter tried to make the most of it.

Soon, Master Splinter began to show signs of a problem, at first he was just fatigued, slow, but then he began to space out, each day it grew worse, and what did I do about it? Nothing. I ignored the fact that he was sick, I didn't want to lose another family member, so I denied him, and, being the kind rat that he was, he didn't ask for help, he took it silently, with no complaints. I wish he had snapped me out of it.

Raph was constantly away, sometimes spending weeks where I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if he was dead. The only times he returned were to eat, sleep or train, but I think he ate and slept somewhere else most of the time, I didn't see him for weeks on end.

So, it took me a few days to notice the disappearance of Master Splinter, he usually tried to have family time, but he was nowhere, so I took a time out to search. I searched nearly the whole lair and found nothing, as I was trying to think of a place he could be, I realized the one place I hadn't checked. The Dojo.

And that's where I found him. It was pretty obvious that he'd spaced with Leo's katana in his hands, and as he had fallen, the blade had pierced through his stomach, and it was laying there that he had bled to death. I felt guilty that I hadn't searched for him earlier, that I hadn't paid enough attention to notice him missing; I may have been able to save him. But, I hadn't. And that's what made me feel entirely responsible, I guess a little of it was Raph's fault, but I can't put the blame on him, especially the way he reacted when he finally found out.

I tried calling Raph's shell cell, but I was pretty positive it had been crushed, so I called Casey, I didn't want to be the one to tell April, but it was April who answered Casey's cell. I had no choice but to tell her the truth. She didn't take it too bad, well I don't think she did, there was only a little crying that I heard, before she had to apologize and hang up.

I know that Raph found out through Casey who found out from April, because the next day Raph came down to the lair. He charged in, smashing everything in sight, from the way he wobbled and the stench, I knew he was drunk. He spent a while swearing at me for not telling him about his father's death, and how he should have been the first to know, by then I'd had enough and I yelled back at him.

"_He w's m' dad too! But ya nevah told me when 'e died! What kinda fuckin' fam'ly are ya, huh? Answer that one!"_

"_Maybe if you were here more, you'd know! You never wanted to be in this family before!"_

"_An' ya can't blame me!"_

"_Yes I can, this family's fallen apart and you don't care!"_

"_This fam'ly aint fallen 'part, they're dead! All but you an' me, and ya don't want me!"_

Suddenly I was reminded of Leo's death, Raph had said something similar that night, and here he was again, everything from there on is a little blank, I only remember snippets, until, after almost giving up, I reached Raph. I know by that time I was crying, and didn't give a shit.

"_I've tried Raph! I've tried to hold this small family together! You think I'm not upset about Master Splinter; he was my dad too for fucks sake! So quit actin' like a fuckin' know it all! You don't know anything!"_

I don't know whether it was the swearing or the actual meaning of the words, but he stopped. He wobbled on the spot for a second as I calmed myself down, he then flitted his eyes to the ground.

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything, Don"_

When he looked up at me, I saw he was crying, I was shocked, but I didn't say anything because I knew he had to get it all of his system.

"_It's all my fault. I should never have lied to Leo, made him feel so horrible that he walked off the building, I killed him, and I shouldn't have let Mike go alone, I should have gone alon', then I shoulda been here, we shoulda helped each othah and Mastah Splintah would still be 'ere. I'm sorry Don, I'm a failure. Leo always went on 'bout bein' a failure, bu' 'e wasn't. I was, an' I am. I'm sorry."_

By the end of it, he was a mess, hugging me too tightly, I was too, but I didn't care, I knew things would be good. And they were.

Raph went often to the surface for exercise, but he was never more than a few hours, and he stuck by it. He was hardly ever drunk and because of his presence, I spent a healthy amount of time on my science. Of course there were bad times and still darkness in the corners, but we pushed them back, it sometimes seemed a little disrespectful, but they would want us to be happy. We both actually started to smile again, jokes were rare but appreciated, and I now looked forward to spending time with my brother. We had movie nights, take-out nights, we even trained a little, not much, just slight sparring or katas, but there was hardly ever meditation. Every time I tried meditating I would get flashes of the surrender in Leo's face, Mikey's bloody body being hugged by Raph, and Master Splinter's form laying in a puddle of his own blood in the dojo, I just couldn't. Science was my form of meditation.

April and Casey visited a lot, and we got to see Mike and Leonard grow, they always loved coming to visit Uncle Don and Uncle Raph. I swear if there was such a thing as reincarnation, Mikey and Leo were reincarnated as Mike and Leonard they were just like them. Mike played a lot of pranks, especially on Uncle Raph, and was the bubbly innocence that was my little brother's essence. Leonard was always keeping a watchful eye on Mike, and he seemed so grown up, a lot of the commonsense and leadership that made my big bro Leo. It was so great to see them grow, but sad at the same time, as Leo, Mike and Master Splinter never got to know them, but definitely would have loved them.

Then, when we were 31, and the kids were 7, I lost the last of my family. Only a half an hour after Raph had left I heard footsteps approaching, they were uneven. I ran out to meet Casey, who was approaching with an unconscious Raph, and together we got him into the infirmary and I set to work. He had uncountable wounds, a great loss of blood, and a whole lot more. After everything, the one brother I had a chance to save, I couldn't. I couldn't move fast enough to get to all of his wounds, and soon blood-loss was the end of Raph.

I guess that was when the truth really hit me, that I was alone in the world. April and Casey had a life with their jobs and kids, Mike and Leonard, I think that's all I'll miss from life. I moped around for a while, April and Casey offered for me to stay at their place numerous times, but each time I declined, I couldn't ruin their lives. So for years I lived alone, at present time I'm 36, 5 years alone, 13 years since the beginning of the end, and now come the end.

I feel the blood swell up into my mouth before I have to swallow it, I can't roll over to get rid of it, and soon I won't have the strength to swallow, I'll just drown. Drown in my own blood. Not the way I ever pictured my death, and believe me, I've pictured it a lot of different ways, but never like this.

Tonight, I felt like I imagine Raph would have felt when he went out bashing heads, except I guess I was a little blinder. A couple of gun shots and I was down, and after a few harsh beatings, the punks ran off to allow me to lay, waiting and praying for a swift death.

I'm not really afraid to die now, I guess underneath I was when I was younger, but now there's nothing left in this world for me, I'm actually quite happy to get it over and done with. I'm happy that there is even point one percent chance that I may be able to join my family.

I realize that the pain is dulling, slowly it's dulling, and a cold yet warm feeling sweeps over me, a serene feel, and I realize, this is it. This is death. It surrounds me, and I welcome it. By now I can't move, but the pain is gone, there's just a dull, numb feel, along with the feeling of comfort.

Death.

It's a nice feeling, now I'm floating. My sight, sound, taste, smell and touch are gone, all I have is my thoughts, and comforting they are. All I know is that I'm smiling. Genuinely.

Finally.

Finally the end of my life has come. Finally I can be happy. Finally my pain is over. I know I'll never see my family again, it's just something I can sense, my family are gone, and never will we be together again, but I don't care anymore.

Then even my thoughts are difficult, and fuzzy, but I get one last thought, the most important of all. It makes me so much happier to know it.

Finally, I am at peace…


End file.
